Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
My Love
Back in May of 2006, I received a friend request from this beautiful, bright woman living in California. Without knowing her interest in me I replied and excepted her as my friend. In that time I was traveling all over climbing the rankings in wheelchair tennis. I would get requests often from women because of my inspiring story of breaking my back from a skydiving accident.
She was different I found out in July when we agreed to meet. I set it up to meet her at an outdoor restaurant, I had set it up to go after my tennis practice. I was late meeting because I was in a intense match that lasted longer than I had intended. I ended up being forty-five minutes late but she was still there.
When I rolled up to see her she was a bright star shining from her smile. I was melting inside at first sight, and excited at the same time. I didn’t show my excitement to her because I didn’t want her to think I was struck with her beauty. I wanted to come across as someone who was interested in her as a person or a friend.
We ended up massaging each other and closing down the place. We were all over each other and smitten by each other. It was unexpected for both of us and it changed our lives. I ended up flying out to California to see her two weeks after she flew home. I stayed for three weeks and we were inseparable. We were high on love from that point on.
Premarital Counseling
Premarital education, I have learned from going through the process is very important. I am not married but I have researched into this topic for my own interest of wanting to be in lasting, committed relationship that God had in mind for me. There are a lot of helpful tools out there that can help couples to prepare for this very important decision.
All of the 4 key benefits of premarital education: (a) it can slow couples down to promote consideration, (b) it sends a message that marriage is important, (c) it can help couples learn of options if they need help later, and (d) there is proof that providing some couples with some types of premarital training, for example, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), can lower their risks for later marital suffering or ending.
The one I will emphasize is to “slow the couple down and consider what they are doing.” It is the most important because couples are so in love at first and they overlook the huge step they are taking by getting married. Couples tend to ignore the many things that come when you commit your life to the person forever when first in love. Slowing down the process helps them to realize the responsibility of the choice and to look at the relationship in many ways.
This gives them the opportunity to really get to know the person and their values. There are so many answers to consider when choosing to get married. I found a workbook that a couple can use as a tool before getting married; Dr. Wayne Mack, “Preparing for Marriage God’s Way”, wrote it. This workbook helps couples to realize all the things that they are looking for in a marriage and clears the air of anything that may come up in the future as far as expectations. It also resolves issues that could determine whether or not the couple should even get married. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is thinking about getting married.
Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity.
Entwistle, D. N.(2004). Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity. Wipf & Stock Publishers.
ABSTRACT: Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity gave me a better understanding of the history of psychology and theology. It left me with the belief that you cannot have psychology with out the basis of understanding the Christian concept of doing what is right. The environment and history shapes our society. Knowledge is acquired by what has happen in the past and Christianity has played a major part in molding our society and worldview.
Entwistle helps to understand that God presents truth in His word and His works shaped by thinking and reflection of both. The Bible being the word of God and His creation being the book of His works shows us His power. Entwistle uses five paradigms to relate psychology and theology. The paradigms were Enemies, Spies, Colonialists, Neutral Parties and Allies as Subjects of One Sovereign.
Psychology not intended to be similar to theology is very much alike in its goals to understand and improve ones life and give meaning to ones life. Each person has its own talents and qualities to contribute to the whole world. God as our creator made us a work of art, one of a kind with our own individual purpose to contribute to the world. Psychology and theology are both apprehensive with human nature and function. The book explains that there is no difference between sacred and secular combatants when it comes to truth. Human nature is that we are all born with sin having good and evil with our hearts.
Integration of psychology and theology seem to go hand in hand in helping people with various issues and the author does stress his points in the end of the book of its importance in changing worldview and setting an example for others to follow. I agree it would be helpful in working with clients or in everyday life communication with others. Truth from God is the basis of theology and relatively to psychology in the conclusion of Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity.
There are obstacles of integration that will cause a struggle in our society through the educational system, government laws, philosophies and human sinful motives on a personal and corporate level. Both Christian and secular combatants need to set aside the ego and work together to accomplish the real goal, to help people over come issues in their lives. The search for truth using psychology and theology can move mountains in people’s lives if applied. The book, Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity, gives example of overcoming issues that may arise with integrating theology with psychology to help the people move the concept forward into a nationwide movement.
CONCRETE RESPONSES: I have not been a psychologist or a counselor in any form. I can however relate this book in my life as I have learned about psychology over the years of studying various self-help books and psychology classes and books. I understand that there are similarities with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs used in psychology and theology. I desired to obtain self-actualization in life. Although Maslow didn’t include God he should have for He is our provider of all things.
Truth in His word and works has been something I was raised on in my life and I have lived and learned from experiences of trying to do things my way rather that God’s way. I have rebelled many times in my life, from doing so I have had to suffer the consequences of my choices. Before I had my accident I was living a life of living for myself. I did what I wanted, working and striving for money to the point of not having fellowship with God. I worked sometimes six days a week and when I was not working I was skydiving, a hobby I was addicted to the adrenaline. I was going so fast in life I could not even enjoy the simple things in life nor care for others enough to have empathy. I was focused only on my own agenda and fulfilling my own needs. I never understood the consequences of my actions nor did I care. I would just continue driving on with out a care in the world.
God gave me a wake up call on September 29, 2002, when I had my accident skydiving. Real quick I was humbled to realize that my life was going to have to change. I would have to rely on others not myself. I was going to psychologically analyze my situation and go back to my roots of studying His word. I was going to need to find out what God’s purpose was for my life and not my own self-desires were. Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity has confirmed many things that are close to my heart and soul. I do believe it is important to integrate theology and psychology and that everyone should seek counseling on a regular basis.
REFLECTION: Questions I have found in reading Integrative approaches to psychology and Christianity, were how can we encourage people to seek Christian counseling over conventional counseling? Promoting Christina counseling with in our community and helping it spread nationwide. Educating our children and those around us the importance of Christian counseling. The format of Who are we talking about, how do we accomplish the goal, what is the objective and why do we want to accomplish the goal seems to simplify to focus but gets the job done in communicating to others the importance of integrative psychology and Christianity.
What bothered me about this book was that it didn’t seem to flow well. It used big words complicating the intent to get the message out. It was difficult to retain the information and totally understand. It seemed to jump around a bit leaving me confused about the subject. In the end I did grasp the concept and interest of integrating psychology and theology and the importance of doing so.
ACTION: I am going to advise others that they would benefit more from a Christian counselor and I will seek to find one for myself. I will share my experiences and how they have helped contribute to my success in life. If I am counselor to some one I will use His word and works as a foundation for my work to counsel others. I will share my own experiences to help others overcome situations that maybe similar. Going into Human Services, I will be able to encourage others to seek truth and understand how psychology and theology work best when they work together.
Reaching Out Book Review
Abstract
Nouwen, H. J. M. (1975). Reaching Out. Garden City, NY: Doubleday & Company, Inc.
Nouwen (1975), Reaching Out, expresses the importance in moving from loneliness to solitude, from hostility to hospitality, and from illusion to prayer. He captures the disease of loneliness that is spreading across the world and gives insight on how to deal with this epidemic. I was able to understand clearly in my own life how easily it is contractible to others and myself. Especially in the age of everyone is so busy talking on cellular phones and all the types of media available, they have closed themselves off from anything that allows them to be vulnerable and connected to other people. Plus, the lack of quiet time does not give people the opportunity to connect with God.
Prayer is a way of connecting with God and doing it with others helps connect people to a community to express what is going on in their own life. It is clear that we will suffer through this life and in the end if we can live a life with Jesus we will find joy and happiness if not in this life but in heaven. This book has given me insight on things I can do to prepare myself for doing His work by reaching out to our innermost self by being feeling, reaching out to our fellow human beings through community activities of connecting truly, and reaching out to our God through prayer and meditating on His Word.
Concrete responses
“Loneliness is one of the most universal human experiences, but our contemporary Western society has heightened the awareness of our loneliness to an unusual degree” (Nouwen, p. 24). Since this book has been written I believe that loneliness has gotten poorer creating a desperate need for the long term effects leading to extreme depression, anxiety, paranoia, and physical problems brought on by psychological issues.
Since my accident in 2002, it has been a life changing experience for me. I lost my abilities to do the things I loved to do physically, I lost my friends and I lost my fiancé. Like Job I was in a place of suffering on many levels, crying out to God “Why me?” Fortunately, I was raise a Christian and knew God’s promises but had lost touch with God. I realized that God wanted my attention that I was not giving Him. I have struggled with loneliness and still do at times. I have learned to use the time of being alone to be with God. I know I need to work on reaching out to others and sharing my faith.
Everyday that goes by I feel I am being molded into the servant that God wants me to be. I have been broken down and pray for God’s grace, meditated on His Word and now I know I need to share to others how God has changed my life. I need to get involved more with the community and share to them how a person with a disability is able to stay positive with the strength of Christ Jesus in knowing that some day I will be in heaven with God.
Reflection
In reflecting about Nouwen (1975), Reaching Out, I found it hard to question anything since he covered the subject matter so well with wonderful references. The things I did make note of he covered in the later chapters. The only thing that I will mention was “how can this apply in today’s society since it has changed so much since 1975? “ What can be done with the technology age of everyone using the internet to communicate and not having face-to-face relationships anymore or not as much as we once did. Especially the youth who rely on information technology to communicate more and more on the Internet and cellular phones? People have become afraid to have face-to-face conversations with a stranger. Do we start focusing on integrating the principles taught in the Bible into information technology advertising them through multimedia? I feel that we are heading into a direction that will take a miracle to change a society that is closed off from community on a personal level that relies on the Internet for communication and socializing. Are these the only movements that a person needs to use? If not what other movements would bring a person closer to God?
I enjoyed his quotes and use of Carlos Castaneda’s book and other different philosophies I have studied to emphasize God’s Word and for us not to worry about what we eat, drink or wear (Nouwen , 1975). God will provide for us what we need and our focus is to bring people to Christ.
Action
The actions I am going to make first are within myself and after I am able to make the changes I can share them with others. “A good host is not only able to receive his guests with honor and offer them all the care they need but also to let them go when their time to leave has come (Nouwen, p.58).” The importance in community and sharing with others is vital to fulfilling the purposes of God. I will try to have faith that God will provide for me the resources I need and lead me to the destination where I need to be to witness to others. I will try to get more involved with other peoples lives. I will also try to find a mentor and also some one I can share my experiences of the growth that will come in the discovery of my born faith. “May God give us the grace to bring not just our ideas, but our selves into our courses, and may it be truly said that God was encountered in our classrooms” (Entwistle. P.312).
Enlarging My Conversation
Interpersonal Communication Design: Enlarging My Conversation
Section One: Definition of Enlarging My Conversation
God knows this is something that we all need a little help doing in this life, communicating and listening. Stewart (2008) writes communication involves more than one person getting an idea, sending the message to another, the other receiving the message and formulating ideas from the message. Successful communication involves people’s ability to continuously connect to each other rather than distribution of ideas back and forth.
Consequently, I reassessed my interpersonal communication processes and determined that my new goals were to give an upgrade to my concept of communication and learn to communicate interpersonally by bringing glory to God in this process of change. Carbonnell (2005) wrote “like vital organs, our personalities must be nourished and grow into healthy parts of our lives. Our personalities must be fed the Word of God, good thoughts, wise decisions and healthy feelings” (p. 17). Through the established life style changes of incorporating pray and connecting to God through his Word I will be lead through this process of evolving to another level of communicating and listening.
I will continuously enlarging my conversation as I am persistently growing and heading towards my fundamental goal as a man of God. Petersen (2007) metaphorically compared the listener to a midwife who enlarges the conversation by asking open and clarifying questions. In doing so, the “midwife” ensures the speaker understands and takes possession of the “baby” and comes to realize that they are responsible for birthing their own solutions to the problems or issues through the process of asking questions rather than trying to give solutions to the problem. This has been a problem for me in the past, wanting to come up with solutions rather than just listening.
In the process of searching for my personal identity and self-awareness, there are three existing questions that must be answered: Who am I? Where am I going, and Why? I have set out on a search for the answers to these questions, and I will learn to trust my own gut instincts. If I do not trust how I feel, I will use automatic responses to others based on how I think they want me to act or feel (Stewart, 2008). I need to be aware of what I say to other people and how I say them. Which I have had problems in this area of saying what I feel instantly before thinking about what I am going to say and if it will hurt the other person. Things said about me or others often suggest one’s self-concept, thought patterns, and beliefs (Burley-Allen, 1995).
It is imperative for all people to be conscious of their own communication issues that cause them to be unsympathetic to their own contradictions within communication (Stewart, 2008). As a man of God, I need to be conscious of every action and communication is a reflection of God in my life. As my faith contributes to my personal identity and the way I expand my communications I have a huge responsibility to set an example that is pleasing to God. My values and belief system influence what I do and my daily behaviors (Stewart, 2008). My values will influence my communication with others. God’s agendas should be the number one priority and driving force behind why we do what we do, therefore, we should continually give God the right to break into our lives, our meetings and our agendas and change the direction at any time in order to accomplish His agendas.
If I am going to enlarge my conversation, I need to be aware of my environment. Where am I when I am having a conversation? Who am I having a conversation with, and what are their background, culture and beliefs? These are some of the questions that I need to consider when I am having a conversation with others. This will determine what I think, how I feel, what I say, and how I should respond. Being aware of my environment and knowing the kind of circumstances will make the communication I have with others much easier (Stewart, 2008).
There are four processes that people engage in when interacting with others. These processes include “what the situation is, who the other person is, who I am and what kind of relationship between the self and other is implied, and, finally, why things unfold the way they do” (Stewart, 2008, p. 177). In my interaction with people in what I do I have to be conscious of various things, especially in the disabled community. Being aware and knowledgeable or asking questions help to understand how to communicate effectively with others.
Another part of effective communication, is to be aware of one’s own needs and feelings through self-monitoring as it is to be aware of the verbal and nonverbal needs and feelings of others (Stewart, 2008). Effective listening involves not only tuning into others, but tuning in to ourselves (Burley-Allen, 2005, p. 6). Being in tuned with our own beliefs and understanding that everyone has a different perspective will help us to be open to communicating with other in a non-judgmental way.
Section Two: Background and Behavioral Blend Influences
My background of where I am from and where I have been influences who I am and how I communicate to others. I am very thankful for my belief system in God because it is by faith that influences my communication skills. Through my experiences through life it has molded me into the person I am today. It is through my struggles that I have leaned more on God than on my own ways to get me through rough times in being injured and left with a disability.
My belief system, morals and attitude contribute to my philosophy on life. My philosophy continues to develop throughout life and is never established or over and done with (Stewart, 2008). Through the process of being raised in a Christian family it laid the foundation of my values, beliefs and attitude. Then when I went on to the Army I then was given more strength in my core beliefs of honor and servant hood. My faith in God gave me purpose in this World. Faith also is what keeps us accountable (Stewart, 2008). Even since I have been studying in this class I have grown in various ways to strengthen my purpose and how I may contribute to the big picture that God has intended for me. I know I need to be comfortable and secure in my faith and respect the religious choices and differences of others (Stewart, 2008).
The expression “behavioral blend” is described in the DISC Personality Assessment. There are four types of behavior or temperaments D, I, S, and C that are blended to create a unique personality for every individual. Carbonell (2005) suggests, “just as we identify our blood type and measure our blood pressure, we should also know our personality type and how to control the pressures of everyday life” (p. 17). Using Hippocrates’ Four Temperament model of human behavior as a template, Carbonell (2005) presents four basic personality types that blend together to make up each unique individual, or the DISC personality model: D’s are dominant, directing and decisive; I’s are influence and inspiring; S’s are submissive and sensitive, and C’s are critical, cautious, and competent.
There are two sections to the behavioral blend: what is expected of the person and who the person truly is. I will first cover the first section of the behavioral blend, what is expected blend is a “D” Doer. I tend to feel that people expect me to take charge and make things happen. I have always had the mind set that I can do anything that I set my mind to but it was also learned through the Scripture that I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). I do get a sense that people want me to lead because I show the character of being brave and bold. I do prefer leading by example and I do look up to leaders that do the same, they walk the talk. I do enjoy challenges and I tend to thrive under pressure. I am sure that is why I did so well working in the special operation in the military, under high-risk situations of danger.
I do tend to clash with others that are like me because there is that competition factor and being strong in my beliefs I will stand up for what I feel is right. I have been known to be aggressive and in my younger years I have been one to fight and not be submissive to bullies. It got me into a lot of trouble growing up but I have grown from it.
My strength is my strength; it also has attracted people who can be codependent on me for strength. That has caused me to learn boundaries and express those boundaries. There are times when I don’t want to always be the leader or the strength of the group but I end up doing so any way because of my passion to succeed. I have taken winning to serious in my life in competing in various sports and it has gotten in the way of other responsibilities and relations.
Growing up I did feel that people wanted me to be the tough guy and that I could get things done. I was physically aggressive growing up but learned to manage that through martial arts and respecting others. I was also brought up being mentally strong and emotionally unavailable. So being sensitive has been something I continue to work on as a person. I also struggling letting others win but I have gotten better at compromising. Relating to others and being sensitive is a big goal for me now and has been. I realize it is a challenge that will in the end help me to become a better person.
Who I truly am is a C/S/D or Competent Steady Doer. (Uniquely You, 2008). In end result case, I am referred to as a “D” personality. Out of the four parts of my DISC profile, “D” scored the highest. Positive influences of being a “D” type are that I have a lot of strength and am determined (Carbonell, 2005). I stand out in many good ways, but I don’t seek to be the center of attention. This is not bad, but may hinder my effectiveness. I know I need to work on your friendliness and charisma. People respect that I have strong convictions and are combined with my sensitive spirit. They also respect my competent preparation. Nevertheless, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to exhibit all that I have going for me. I need to be more excited. Whenever possible, I need to take advantage of speaking to large groups so that I can share my dreams, warmth, and wise counsel. I will be able to complete more tasks, comfort even more people, and improve my results even better.
Section Three: Potential Barriers and Their Solutions
Inside my communication, there are evident barriers that limit my effectiveness and could cause misunderstandings (Stewart, 2008). As a Determined Doer, there are many potential barriers that I face on a daily basis. I come across as aggressive and over confident at times and people can be offended by my bold and direct communication. So I will need to tone it down a bit and use listening skills to enable me to expand my communications. I have high expectations for others and myself. I sometimes don’t really know if I work hard because people expect me to, or because I don’t know how to relax or rest at times. These things I have struggled with at some point in my life but through the process of giving my life over to God I have over come a lot of these obstacles.
Listening is an imperative part of the communication process. Communication is a vital part of the human experience and any effort to improve one’s skills is worthwhile. Petersen’s advice and tools used in his book will be useful solutions to most of my problems in listening (2007). In the book he uses a card as a tool to use when communicating. I think this can be used as a reflective tool for dealing with issues and communicating the way we were intended to will also be very helpful.
As I talker I will own my problem and express it without accuse, attack, label or judge will be the goal. When it comes to listening I will have to focus on not taking on the problem and owning it. I will try to provide the safety for the person sharing their problem with me. I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. In my relationship, I will admit my ignorance at times when I don’t completely understand her feelings and I will ask more questions to make her feel understood and that I do want to know her perspective because I do care. I will not try to figure out solutions so much as just listen and understand the feelings that she may have. I do get into trouble in this area because I have often tried to fix the problem rather than just listen and be present with her.
I will also use the method of the double reverse –twist to help me communicate without allowing the other persons flat-brain syndrome from making me flat-brain in the process (Petersen, 2007). I have also added one step that I feel helps me to deal with some one being upset and taking a deep breath to release the steam that can come when people get into heated discussions. This allows me to release pressure in my stomach after I have taken a gulp to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind when some one is trying to argue.
I realize that this is a very important skill, listening. As well as communication and doing it in a respectful manner that allows you to express as well and receive the information the other person has to share. We all need each other and communicating properly will produce great success in our lives if done properly.
I know I need to pay close attention to certain cue words that capture their attention and draw them into the discussion or subject matter. There are basic skills for effective listening. The first skill is simply paying attention. This is the most nonverbal skill; however, it does have some words that are incorporated. It is good to let the other person know that one is listening by occasionally interjecting with brief comments such as, “I see,” or “Uh-huh” (Stewart, 2008).
John Stewart, Karen Zediker and Saskia Witteborn explain two types of listening, empathic listening and dialogic listening (2008, p. 225). Both empathic and dialogic listening allow for the full understanding of the other person. Dialogic listening goes beyond focusing on mainly what the other person is thinking and feeling and helps those involved in conversation to create meaning together (Stewart, 2008). This is the skill and helpful solution to my communication. To develop empathic listening I need to remember that it is important to understand the focusing skills needed and that there is a difference between “spending time and investing time” (2008, p.227).
Section Four: Solutions to Noise Pollution
Burley-Allen (1995) explains external distractions: background noises (traffic, machines, ticking clocks, humming refrigerators, squawking birds, drumming fingers), room temperature, views, scenery, phone calls, gum chewing, wall color, television, radios, entering and exiting the room, note writing and email answering. Internal noise pollution is the things that are going on inside us that distract us from communicating. Those things include mental struggles, personal beliefs, and values, stereotypes, daydreaming, rehearsing what to say next, and identifying with what the talker is saying.
Internal noise pollution that I struggle with is every day thoughts of what I need to be doing rather than being in the present. My mind is constantly going and probably to often I am not paying attention to people and things that are going on in my present situation. When I am in a conversation with a person, I find myself being what Burley-Allen calls “the faker” (Burley-Allen, 1995, p.60). I pretend to listen and be involved in the conversation but in my mind I am miles away on another subject that interests me.
Solutions to the internal and external pollution would be for me to use effective listening skills until they become life style habits. Jim Petersen produced some of the solutions in, The Listening Book, he suggested thirty techniques, but we are to use the ones that best fit our personality and lifestyle Petersen points out that a proper understanding of these relationships goes a long way in the reduction of conflicts.
The stomach is considered the place where the feelings are located. The heart is the area where interaction between people occurs. It is the place given for the give and take of relationships. Finally, the head is the place for logic. Here where we process information from the people and environment. By using the processes of sharing, negotiating, and closing I have a better understanding of how to handle situations better. Through the process of asking questions to collect the information needed and to help fill in the missing pieces to the talker’s story allows me to stay engaged in the conversation and ignore the pollutants that disrupt my thought processes (Petersen, 2007).
Section Five: Personal Plan of Action
Going beyond the skills taught is where I see my biggest challenges but I do have faith that God can help me over come my lack of empathy and increase being genuine and warmth with others. The actions I will take to put the skill I have learned into practice. . I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. I plan on decreasing time spent solving problems, by listening and increase productivity, make fewer mistakes to increase respect, trust and rapport with others (Burley-Allen, 1995).
Using Petersen’s (2007) TLC card will help develop my listening skills. My plan of action simply involves becoming an effective listener and becoming a successful communicator. I need to become an effective listener by avoiding being too critical, trying to find solutions and being judgmental. Being a good listener by being empathetic builds understanding and support between the talker and listener. I will also need to refrain from trying to solve the talker’s problems or doing the thinking for him or her (Burly-Allen, 1995).
Effective listeners listen from the heart and treated and listened to in a special way (Burley-Allen, 1995). I know I need to gradually use the techniques expressed by Burley-Allen and Petersen to become an effective listener and communicator. I should invest time into knowing the listener as much as possible and secure an understanding of message, and encouraging feedback (Burley-Allen, 1995). These actions will help me become an effective listener and enlarge the conversation in my life and others.
Section Six: Overarching Goal
The overarching goal for me is to continue to grow and evolve as a communicator for God’s will by using my talents he has blessed me with to enlarge his kingdom. I will continue to strive to possess unconditional love and give it to others. I will try to not place emphasis on trying to fix the problem alone and rely on God to help me through my process of enlarging my conversation.
I will acknowledge that my personality is “for my benefit and to be a blessing to others” (Cabonnell, 2005, p. 14). I will continue to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses and try to balance them out. Use my strengths to enlarge the conversation. I will try harder to speak in larger groups as I have done in the past promoting adaptive sports to help others to build confidence.
The Holy Spirit divinely gives gifts to each believer for the edification of the church (1 Corinthians 12). When these gifts are manifested, it is a magnificent work of God and all who encounter it are blessed. I will continue to read his Word and pray for guidance in what direction he want me to serve whether it is with adaptive sports, disabled veteran, vocational rehabilitation or speaking to large groups about overcoming obstacles through the faith in the Scripture and in God.
A key principle I need to incorporate into my lifestyle is playing the movie in every area of my life. I have a bad habit of being sarcastic at times without thinking what the results will be in my relationship and it usually creates a negative result. Through the process of me applying the principles in my own life established by Cloud I will be able to share with others how it is helping me to overcome some of my bad habits.
By using hate in a positive way to get rid of evil and fight for what is good, I can be a warrior for Christ and his purpose. Through the process of being humble I can learn more and allow others to open up to me and establish lasting relations that can impact the masses. By upsetting the right people to push them out of their comfort zone and into resolving issues and making themselves and others better even though it may not be comfortable I will be making a difference.
References
Burley-Allen, M. (1995). Listening, the forgotten skill: A self-teaching guide (2nd ed.). New York: John Wiley and Sons, Inc.
Carbonell, M. (2005). Extreme personality makeover: How to develop a winning Christ-like personality to improve your effectiveness! Blue Ridge, GA: Uniquely You
Resources.
Cloud, H. (2004). Nine things you simply must do to succeed in love and life: A psychologist probes the mystery of why some lives really work and others don’t. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers.
Horvath, A. O., & Luborsky, L. (1993). The role of the therapeutic alliance in psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology , 61, 561-573.
Petersen, J. C. (2007). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications.
Sherwood Baptist Church of Albany Georgia, Inc. (2006). Facing the giants [Motion picture]. United States: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, Inc.
Stewart, J. (Ed.). (2008). Bridges not walls. Boston: McGraw-Hill.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2005). Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishers.
Uniquely You. (2008). Uniquely you profile report for Michael Paul. Retrieved on October 19, 2008, from http://www.uniquelyyou.net.
Wilmot, W. (n.d.) Communication spirals, paradoxes, and conundrums. In J. Stewart (Ed.), Bridges not walls (pp. 450-466). New York: McGraw Hill.
Section One: Definition of Enlarging My Conversation
God knows this is something that we all need a little help doing in this life, communicating and listening. Stewart (2008) writes communication involves more than one person getting an idea, sending the message to another, the other receiving the message and formulating ideas from the message. Successful communication involves people’s ability to continuously connect to each other rather than distribution of ideas back and forth.
Consequently, I reassessed my interpersonal communication processes and determined that my new goals were to give an upgrade to my concept of communication and learn to communicate interpersonally by bringing glory to God in this process of change. Carbonnell (2005) wrote “like vital organs, our personalities must be nourished and grow into healthy parts of our lives. Our personalities must be fed the Word of God, good thoughts, wise decisions and healthy feelings” (p. 17). Through the established life style changes of incorporating pray and connecting to God through his Word I will be lead through this process of evolving to another level of communicating and listening.
I will continuously enlarging my conversation as I am persistently growing and heading towards my fundamental goal as a man of God. Petersen (2007) metaphorically compared the listener to a midwife who enlarges the conversation by asking open and clarifying questions. In doing so, the “midwife” ensures the speaker understands and takes possession of the “baby” and comes to realize that they are responsible for birthing their own solutions to the problems or issues through the process of asking questions rather than trying to give solutions to the problem. This has been a problem for me in the past, wanting to come up with solutions rather than just listening.
In the process of searching for my personal identity and self-awareness, there are three existing questions that must be answered: Who am I? Where am I going, and Why? I have set out on a search for the answers to these questions, and I will learn to trust my own gut instincts. If I do not trust how I feel, I will use automatic responses to others based on how I think they want me to act or feel (Stewart, 2008). I need to be aware of what I say to other people and how I say them. Which I have had problems in this area of saying what I feel instantly before thinking about what I am going to say and if it will hurt the other person. Things said about me or others often suggest one’s self-concept, thought patterns, and beliefs (Burley-Allen, 1995).
It is imperative for all people to be conscious of their own communication issues that cause them to be unsympathetic to their own contradictions within communication (Stewart, 2008). As a man of God, I need to be conscious of every action and communication is a reflection of God in my life. As my faith contributes to my personal identity and the way I expand my communications I have a huge responsibility to set an example that is pleasing to God. My values and belief system influence what I do and my daily behaviors (Stewart, 2008). My values will influence my communication with others. God’s agendas should be the number one priority and driving force behind why we do what we do, therefore, we should continually give God the right to break into our lives, our meetings and our agendas and change the direction at any time in order to accomplish His agendas.
If I am going to enlarge my conversation, I need to be aware of my environment. Where am I when I am having a conversation? Who am I having a conversation with, and what are their background, culture and beliefs? These are some of the questions that I need to consider when I am having a conversation with others. This will determine what I think, how I feel, what I say, and how I should respond. Being aware of my environment and knowing the kind of circumstances will make the communication I have with others much easier (Stewart, 2008).
There are four processes that people engage in when interacting with others. These processes include “what the situation is, who the other person is, who I am and what kind of relationship between the self and other is implied, and, finally, why things unfold the way they do” (Stewart, 2008, p. 177). In my interaction with people in what I do I have to be conscious of various things, especially in the disabled community. Being aware and knowledgeable or asking questions help to understand how to communicate effectively with others.
Another part of effective communication, is to be aware of one’s own needs and feelings through self-monitoring as it is to be aware of the verbal and nonverbal needs and feelings of others (Stewart, 2008). Effective listening involves not only tuning into others, but tuning in to ourselves (Burley-Allen, 2005, p. 6). Being in tuned with our own beliefs and understanding that everyone has a different perspective will help us to be open to communicating with other in a non-judgmental way.
Section Two: Background and Behavioral Blend Influences
My background of where I am from and where I have been influences who I am and how I communicate to others. I am very thankful for my belief system in God because it is by faith that influences my communication skills. Through my experiences through life it has molded me into the person I am today. It is through my struggles that I have leaned more on God than on my own ways to get me through rough times in being injured and left with a disability.
My belief system, morals and attitude contribute to my philosophy on life. My philosophy continues to develop throughout life and is never established or over and done with (Stewart, 2008). Through the process of being raised in a Christian family it laid the foundation of my values, beliefs and attitude. Then when I went on to the Army I then was given more strength in my core beliefs of honor and servant hood. My faith in God gave me purpose in this World. Faith also is what keeps us accountable (Stewart, 2008). Even since I have been studying in this class I have grown in various ways to strengthen my purpose and how I may contribute to the big picture that God has intended for me. I know I need to be comfortable and secure in my faith and respect the religious choices and differences of others (Stewart, 2008).
The expression “behavioral blend” is described in the DISC Personality Assessment. There are four types of behavior or temperaments D, I, S, and C that are blended to create a unique personality for every individual. Carbonell (2005) suggests, “just as we identify our blood type and measure our blood pressure, we should also know our personality type and how to control the pressures of everyday life” (p. 17). Using Hippocrates’ Four Temperament model of human behavior as a template, Carbonell (2005) presents four basic personality types that blend together to make up each unique individual, or the DISC personality model: D’s are dominant, directing and decisive; I’s are influence and inspiring; S’s are submissive and sensitive, and C’s are critical, cautious, and competent.
There are two sections to the behavioral blend: what is expected of the person and who the person truly is. I will first cover the first section of the behavioral blend, what is expected blend is a “D” Doer. I tend to feel that people expect me to take charge and make things happen. I have always had the mind set that I can do anything that I set my mind to but it was also learned through the Scripture that I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). I do get a sense that people want me to lead because I show the character of being brave and bold. I do prefer leading by example and I do look up to leaders that do the same, they walk the talk. I do enjoy challenges and I tend to thrive under pressure. I am sure that is why I did so well working in the special operation in the military, under high-risk situations of danger.
I do tend to clash with others that are like me because there is that competition factor and being strong in my beliefs I will stand up for what I feel is right. I have been known to be aggressive and in my younger years I have been one to fight and not be submissive to bullies. It got me into a lot of trouble growing up but I have grown from it.
My strength is my strength; it also has attracted people who can be codependent on me for strength. That has caused me to learn boundaries and express those boundaries. There are times when I don’t want to always be the leader or the strength of the group but I end up doing so any way because of my passion to succeed. I have taken winning to serious in my life in competing in various sports and it has gotten in the way of other responsibilities and relations.
Growing up I did feel that people wanted me to be the tough guy and that I could get things done. I was physically aggressive growing up but learned to manage that through martial arts and respecting others. I was also brought up being mentally strong and emotionally unavailable. So being sensitive has been something I continue to work on as a person. I also struggling letting others win but I have gotten better at compromising. Relating to others and being sensitive is a big goal for me now and has been. I realize it is a challenge that will in the end help me to become a better person.
Who I truly am is a C/S/D or Competent Steady Doer. (Uniquely You, 2008). In end result case, I am referred to as a “D” personality. Out of the four parts of my DISC profile, “D” scored the highest. Positive influences of being a “D” type are that I have a lot of strength and am determined (Carbonell, 2005). I stand out in many good ways, but I don’t seek to be the center of attention. This is not bad, but may hinder my effectiveness. I know I need to work on your friendliness and charisma. People respect that I have strong convictions and are combined with my sensitive spirit. They also respect my competent preparation. Nevertheless, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to exhibit all that I have going for me. I need to be more excited. Whenever possible, I need to take advantage of speaking to large groups so that I can share my dreams, warmth, and wise counsel. I will be able to complete more tasks, comfort even more people, and improve my results even better.
Section Three: Potential Barriers and Their Solutions
Inside my communication, there are evident barriers that limit my effectiveness and could cause misunderstandings (Stewart, 2008). As a Determined Doer, there are many potential barriers that I face on a daily basis. I come across as aggressive and over confident at times and people can be offended by my bold and direct communication. So I will need to tone it down a bit and use listening skills to enable me to expand my communications. I have high expectations for others and myself. I sometimes don’t really know if I work hard because people expect me to, or because I don’t know how to relax or rest at times. These things I have struggled with at some point in my life but through the process of giving my life over to God I have over come a lot of these obstacles.
Listening is an imperative part of the communication process. Communication is a vital part of the human experience and any effort to improve one’s skills is worthwhile. Petersen’s advice and tools used in his book will be useful solutions to most of my problems in listening (2007). In the book he uses a card as a tool to use when communicating. I think this can be used as a reflective tool for dealing with issues and communicating the way we were intended to will also be very helpful.
As I talker I will own my problem and express it without accuse, attack, label or judge will be the goal. When it comes to listening I will have to focus on not taking on the problem and owning it. I will try to provide the safety for the person sharing their problem with me. I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. In my relationship, I will admit my ignorance at times when I don’t completely understand her feelings and I will ask more questions to make her feel understood and that I do want to know her perspective because I do care. I will not try to figure out solutions so much as just listen and understand the feelings that she may have. I do get into trouble in this area because I have often tried to fix the problem rather than just listen and be present with her.
I will also use the method of the double reverse –twist to help me communicate without allowing the other persons flat-brain syndrome from making me flat-brain in the process (Petersen, 2007). I have also added one step that I feel helps me to deal with some one being upset and taking a deep breath to release the steam that can come when people get into heated discussions. This allows me to release pressure in my stomach after I have taken a gulp to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind when some one is trying to argue.
I realize that this is a very important skill, listening. As well as communication and doing it in a respectful manner that allows you to express as well and receive the information the other person has to share. We all need each other and communicating properly will produce great success in our lives if done properly.
I know I need to pay close attention to certain cue words that capture their attention and draw them into the discussion or subject matter. There are basic skills for effective listening. The first skill is simply paying attention. This is the most nonverbal skill; however, it does have some words that are incorporated. It is good to let the other person know that one is listening by occasionally interjecting with brief comments such as, “I see,” or “Uh-huh” (Stewart, 2008).
John Stewart, Karen Zediker and Saskia Witteborn explain two types of listening, empathic listening and dialogic listening (2008, p. 225). Both empathic and dialogic listening allow for the full understanding of the other person. Dialogic listening goes beyond focusing on mainly what the other person is thinking and feeling and helps those involved in conversation to create meaning together (Stewart, 2008). This is the skill and helpful solution to my communication. To develop empathic listening I need to remember that it is important to understand the focusing skills needed and that there is a difference between “spending time and investing time” (2008, p.227).
Section Four: Solutions to Noise Pollution
Burley-Allen (1995) explains external distractions: background noises (traffic, machines, ticking clocks, humming refrigerators, squawking birds, drumming fingers), room temperature, views, scenery, phone calls, gum chewing, wall color, television, radios, entering and exiting the room, note writing and email answering. Internal noise pollution is the things that are going on inside us that distract us from communicating. Those things include mental struggles, personal beliefs, and values, stereotypes, daydreaming, rehearsing what to say next, and identifying with what the talker is saying.
Internal noise pollution that I struggle with is every day thoughts of what I need to be doing rather than being in the present. My mind is constantly going and probably to often I am not paying attention to people and things that are going on in my present situation. When I am in a conversation with a person, I find myself being what Burley-Allen calls “the faker” (Burley-Allen, 1995, p.60). I pretend to listen and be involved in the conversation but in my mind I am miles away on another subject that interests me.
Solutions to the internal and external pollution would be for me to use effective listening skills until they become life style habits. Jim Petersen produced some of the solutions in, The Listening Book, he suggested thirty techniques, but we are to use the ones that best fit our personality and lifestyle Petersen points out that a proper understanding of these relationships goes a long way in the reduction of conflicts.
The stomach is considered the place where the feelings are located. The heart is the area where interaction between people occurs. It is the place given for the give and take of relationships. Finally, the head is the place for logic. Here where we process information from the people and environment. By using the processes of sharing, negotiating, and closing I have a better understanding of how to handle situations better. Through the process of asking questions to collect the information needed and to help fill in the missing pieces to the talker’s story allows me to stay engaged in the conversation and ignore the pollutants that disrupt my thought processes (Petersen, 2007).
Section Five: Personal Plan of Action
Going beyond the skills taught is where I see my biggest challenges but I do have faith that God can help me over come my lack of empathy and increase being genuine and warmth with others. The actions I will take to put the skill I have learned into practice. . I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. I plan on decreasing time spent solving problems, by listening and increase productivity, make fewer mistakes to increase respect, trust and rapport with others (Burley-Allen, 1995).
Using Petersen’s (2007) TLC card will help develop my listening skills. My plan of action simply involves becoming an effective listener and becoming a successful communicator. I need to become an effective listener by avoiding being too critical, trying to find solutions and being judgmental. Being a good listener by being empathetic builds understanding and support between the talker and listener. I will also need to refrain from trying to solve the talker’s problems or doing the thinking for him or her (Burly-Allen, 1995).
Effective listeners listen from the heart and treated and listened to in a special way (Burley-Allen, 1995). I know I need to gradually use the techniques expressed by Burley-Allen and Petersen to become an effective listener and communicator. I should invest time into knowing the listener as much as possible and secure an understanding of message, and encouraging feedback (Burley-Allen, 1995). These actions will help me become an effective listener and enlarge the conversation in my life and others.
Section Six: Overarching Goal
The overarching goal for me is to continue to grow and evolve as a communicator for God’s will by using my talents he has blessed me with to enlarge his kingdom. I will continue to strive to possess unconditional love and give it to others. I will try to not place emphasis on trying to fix the problem alone and rely on God to help me through my process of enlarging my conversation.
I will acknowledge that my personality is “for my benefit and to be a blessing to others” (Cabonnell, 2005, p. 14). I will continue to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses and try to balance them out. Use my strengths to enlarge the conversation. I will try harder to speak in larger groups as I have done in the past promoting adaptive sports to help others to build confidence.
The Holy Spirit divinely gives gifts to each believer for the edification of the church (1 Corinthians 12). When these gifts are manifested, it is a magnificent work of God and all who encounter it are blessed. I will continue to read his Word and pray for guidance in what direction he want me to serve whether it is with adaptive sports, disabled veteran, vocational rehabilitation or speaking to large groups about overcoming obstacles through the faith in the Scripture and in God.
A key principle I need to incorporate into my lifestyle is playing the movie in every area of my life. I have a bad habit of being sarcastic at times without thinking what the results will be in my relationship and it usually creates a negative result. Through the process of me applying the principles in my own life established by Cloud I will be able to share with others how it is helping me to overcome some of my bad habits.
By using hate in a positive way to get rid of evil and fight for what is good, I can be a warrior for Christ and his purpose. Through the process of being humble I can learn more and allow others to open up to me and establish lasting relations that can impact the masses. By upsetting the right people to push them out of their comfort zone and into resolving issues and making themselves and others better even though it may not be comfortable I will be making a difference.
References
Burley-Allen, M. (1995). Listening, the forgotten skill: A self-teaching guide (2nd ed.). New York: John Wiley and Sons, Inc.
Carbonell, M. (2005). Extreme personality makeover: How to develop a winning Christ-like personality to improve your effectiveness! Blue Ridge, GA: Uniquely You
Resources.
Cloud, H. (2004). Nine things you simply must do to succeed in love and life: A psychologist probes the mystery of why some lives really work and others don’t. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers.
Horvath, A. O., & Luborsky, L. (1993). The role of the therapeutic alliance in psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology , 61, 561-573.
Petersen, J. C. (2007). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications.
Sherwood Baptist Church of Albany Georgia, Inc. (2006). Facing the giants [Motion picture]. United States: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, Inc.
Stewart, J. (Ed.). (2008). Bridges not walls. Boston: McGraw-Hill.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2005). Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishers.
Uniquely You. (2008). Uniquely you profile report for Michael Paul. Retrieved on October 19, 2008, from http://www.uniquelyyou.net.
Wilmot, W. (n.d.) Communication spirals, paradoxes, and conundrums. In J. Stewart (Ed.), Bridges not walls (pp. 450-466). New York: McGraw Hill.
Book Review Henry Cloud
Cloud, H. (2004). Nine things you simply must do to succeed in love and life: A psychologist probes the mystery of why some lives really work and others don’t. Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers.
Cloud points out nine things that we must do in this life if we want to have success in all areas of our lives. The 9 things are:
Principle 1:
Dig It Up! This chapter is about finding your passion, your dream. Find out what excites you and pursue it. He discusses the problems of doing this and how we pursue other people’s desire for us; especially if we are people pleasers.
Principle 2:
Pull The Tooth! This chapter suggests that successful people do not hang onto bad things for long. You have got to get rid of it. Our bodies do it naturally, but emotionally we just hang on, and it hurts us. Successful people act and get rid of the bad things right away.
Principle 3:
Play The Movie! Here is what Cloud says; “Anything you do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, you have to play it out all the way to the end of the movie.” This is just a reminder that the choices we make will have lasting effects. I totally agree with this chapter. This came naturally to me in my education. I can see a better life at the end with a master’s degree in my hand.
Principle 4:
Do Something! This chapter says that successful people ask “What can I do to make this situation better?”. They do not play the victim but do something to change the situation.
Principle 5:
Act Like An Ant! Successful people achieved their goals by taking tiny steps over time. Start doing a little bit at a time; don’t try to do it all today. But, if you do a little bit every day, good things start to add up. Every big project can be done the same way; do a little at a time, and eventually it gets done.
Principle 6:
Hate Well! Cloud explains it, “What we hate says a lot about who we are. Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is.” (p. 144). This chapter explains the difference between hating well and just hating.
Principle 7:
Don’t Play Fair! Strange title, but to be “fair” means that what you give is what you get. Good for good, bad for bad. The idea is that if we make a mistake, we don’t want people to get back at us, but help us get better and not make the mistake again. So, to not play fair means to give back better than you are given. It will stop any cycle.
Principle 8:
Be Humble! It simply means to not pretend to know more than we do and not needing to be more than you are. The willingness to say you have things to learn will help you learn those things as well as make those that work for you better as well.
Principle 9:
Upset the Right People! This principle is about not making decisions based on the fear of other people’s reactions. Cloud says that, “What you should do, and what someone’s response is going to be, are two very different issues.”
My Story
During the process of reading this book, I reflected on my current relationship I have been in for over two years. The principle that most resonates with me is number two: Pull the Tooth. It has had a lot of highs and lows. And, it seems when negative things happen they can outweigh the highs. Although I am always optimistic and hopeful, this principle made me question the relationship. I have had problems in my life of hanging on to things too long, and it has caused some problems for me in relationships. I guess I question it also on how long you hang on to a relationship that doesn’t seem to be getting better and has too many problems to deal with.
But, then I also think of how I make things better as principle three emphasizes learning from your mistakes and moving forward from them. I do this in a lot of areas in my life but there are some areas I question whether I hang on to relationships that are not good for me in hopes that we are able to work things out and grow from the issues. I have seen some growth, so I think in the end God wants us to resolve issues and, if it is His will, things will work out.
Another issue that I thought I might need to work on is being more humble. I think we can never be as humble as our role model Jesus Christ. I might come across as knowing it all to some people, when really I have so much to learn and should humble myself to everyone. I have been humbled through having a traumatic accident and being left disabled in this life that I lead now. Through my pain and suffering, good things have come as God promises.
Reflection
What bothers me about this book is they didn’t give examples that clarified the principles. I felt as though there were a lot of gray areas without being given specifics. I do, however, feel it is a very helpful book, gives great advice, and is simply written for anyone to understand.
I do understand the principle of acting like an ant and taking little steps to get things done towards accomplishing your goals. I feel my education has certainly been an ant process in accomplishing my goal of obtaining my master’s degree. Life in this term seems very simple and of common sense, with which I agree. This process takes a lot of patience, which is a very difficult trait to obtain in life especially in this day and age of instant gratification.
Another principle that I found to be insightful was the “Hate Well.” The title made me questions it’s meaning at first. But, once I read it, I realized how true it is to embrace hate as a tool to get rid of evil in our lives. “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good” (Romans 12:9).
Cloud uses good examples to express his point of view and how he says they use the tools to make them successful. I was impressed with the use of Bible Scriptures to drive the point home and what better reference than God’s word. His message with the seventh principle was very revealing to me in the way it encourages us to go beyond being fair, go the extra mile to do more for others, and handle things without being a doormat. The usage of Scripture in this principle really emphasizes its importance by giving back better than you are given and you will receive great rewards from God.
Action
Through reading this book I have found myself consciously aware of my actions and how I may apply the principles. It will be a gradual process but if I can work on it like an ant, I will be able to apply the principles into my life. I can share this with others and, through the process of leading by example, have a huge impact in people’s lives.
By using hate in a positive way to get rid of evil and fight for what is good, I can be a warrior for Christ and his purpose. Through the process of being humble I can learn more and allow others to open up to me and establish lasting relations that can impact the masses. By upsetting the right people to push them out of their comfort zone and into resolving issues and making themselves and others better even though it may not be comfortable I will be making a difference.
Through the classes I have been taking in this degree program, I have been digging up things and recovering from issues that needed to be addressed. I am evolving through the process and the principles allow me see clearly the way to a successful future. I know that through this life I need to continue to challenge myself on all levels and surround myself with people that can and will expect the most from me.
I realize I need to work on getting rid of negative dynamics of things that don’t contribute anything good in my life and drain me of my energy. By asking myself how I can make things better or grow from the situation will help me to evolve and become stronger. I have been able to see how I can use the traumatic experience I have gone through that has paralyzed me for life and use it to help others going through similar struggles.
A key principle I need to incorporate into my lifestyle is playing the movie in every area of my life. I have a bad habit of being sarcastic at times without thinking what the results will be in my relationship and it usually creates a negative result. Through the process of me applying the principles in my own life I will be able to share with others how it is helping me to overcome some of my bad habits.
As a counselor to others I can reflect back on some of my own experiences and questions that Cloud used in dealing with others who have struggled in relationships. By explaining to them the importance of rising above and giving more than what is given will produce the best results in a relationship. It is difficult to do but in time can be done with practice. I see these principles useful in all areas of life and as a reminder of them I would be willing to create a poster of some kind as a reminder to my clients and myself to see in my office.
Book Review Why don’t we listen better?
Petersen, J. C. (2007). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications.
James Petersen uses five parts to illustrate the talking and listening process to help us understand a better way to communicate with each other and understand one another in his book, Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships.
Part One
Petersen creates a “Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions” that explains to us how our mind works and what goes on with in us to act the way we do and communicate in the manner that we act. He puts it all together the emotions, the feelings, communication and actions we may have in manner that is expressed through his theory of Flat-Brain. He uses illustrations to get his point across, which he is very creative in showing how it works.
Part Two
In this part Petersen uses his creative card to get his point across in helping us communicate better. The system of the card is to help us to become better listeners and taking turns talking and listening. The importance is to listen first thoroughly before talking to the partner.
Part Three
Part three gives basic techniques of listening for us to use and find out which ones work best for our style. It gives various examples of using them in our talking and listening experiences. It explains that there are two levels of communicating: first level is the exchange of information and the second being a deeper level of trusting and expressing our true feelings and spirit.
Part Four and Five
In the final process, Petersen puts it all together to examples how to use the process of talking and listening effectively. He gives examples of how to use his theory of “Flat Brained Syndrome” to overcome issues and people with the syndrome. In the end he shows you how to become a person that good things happen due to having great communication skills.
My Story
Communications are a vital part of the human experience and any effort to improve one’s skills is worthwhile. Petersen shares his experiences in growing in the area of listening. It is refreshing to see such openness from an author about his own struggles in a field of which many people would consider him an expert. He is honest in exposing his own flaws and shortcomings in this crucial skill, which gives the reader comfort in knowing that even an expert can have problems.
Petersen uses real world experiences to teach the reader how to handle difficult situations and people. The stories provide practice steps for one to improve listening skills. In Petersen’s concept, improvement in listening skills will result in an overall improvement in relationships. I found his description of the flat brain syndrome very rewarding. To think of communications from the perspective of the stomach, heart, and head is very creative and gives the reader word pictures to which she can easily relate.
Petersen points out that a proper understanding of these relationships goes a long way in the reduction of conflicts. The stomach is considered the place where the feelings are located. The heart is the area where interaction between people occurs. It is the place given for the give and take of relationships. Finally, the head is the place for logic. Here where we process information from the people and environment.
Petersen humorously points out with a picture of what occurs in most conflicts is that the stomach fills with feelings to such a point that it presses the heart upwards. Being forced upwards, the heart compresses the brain against the top of the head thus flattening the brain, which results in the flat brain syndrome. It is this flat brain scenario where the individual is unable to process information, react sensibly or think rationally.
Reflection
Petersen really finds a way to tap into just about anyone who is reading his book. For me, it was helpful to read about the methods of listening better in relationships you’re your partner or spouse. Because I am in the process of working into a marriage I am seeking to enhance my skills in listening and being a better partner for life. So when I read about the decision-making together in chapter twenty-four it gave me a lot of insight about how I should be handling the situations of making decisions. By using the processes of sharing, negotiating, and closing I have a better understanding of how to handle situations better. Therefore, that was area that shed light for me in the examination of the book and how it could help me in my relationship.
I do understand that listening is very important to help you evolve to the next level and mature and help us as well as others. I do however find that in daily conversations it could become annoying to the other person if you continue to ask questions as a response to them, so I think it may have been over dramatized a bit in illustrating the concept. I do believe as a counselor you do need to ask a lot questions to help the person understand hat they are saying and come to a better conclusion with their own issues.
The book was very insightful in counseling groups and couples. The card that Petersen designed was very creative and I could see it as a helpful tool in counseling couples. The example of the talking stick was a great idea of how the Native Americans communicated in groups to ensure the person was heard without interruptions. An old tradition as such would be very useful in today’s society to ensure everyone received the respect they deserve.
Action
Going beyond the skills taught in the book is where I see my biggest challenges but I do have faith that God can help me over come my lack of empathy and increase being genuine and warm with others. The actions I will take to put the skill I have learned into practice. The important things I have found that will be helpful tools to deal with tense situation will be to use the finger method (p. 90). By using my finger to point at my head for the purpose of thinking, then to the eyes to see and then to the stomach for feeling as a reminder of the process.
Using the card as a reflective tool for dealing with issues and communicating the way we were intended to will also be very helpful. As I talker I will own my problem and express it without accuse, attack, label or judge will be the goal. When it comes to listening I will have to focus on not taking on the problem and owning it. I will try to provide the safety for the person sharing their problem with me. I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. In my relationship, I will admit my ignorance at times when I don’t completely understand her feelings and I will ask more questions to make her feel understood and that I do want to know her perspective because I do care. I will not try to figure out solutions so much as just listen and understand the feelings that she may have. I do get into trouble in this area because I have often tried to fix the problem rather than just listen and be present with her.
I will also use the method of the double reverse –twist to help me communicate without allowing the other persons flat-brain syndrome from making me flat-brain in the process. I have also added one step that I feel helps me to deal with some one being upset and taking a deep breath to release the steam that can come when people get into heated discussions. This allows me to release pressure in my stomach after I have taken a gulp to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind when some one is trying to argue.
I realize that this is a very important skill, listening. As well as communication and doing it in a respectful manner that allows you to express as well and receive the information the other person has to share. We all need each other and communicating properly will produce great success in our lives if done properly.
A little bit about me...
Hello fellow servants of God. I am an artistic, extremist that loves competition, natural born elite athlete. I have traveled all over the country playing wheelchair tennis and snow skiing. I am working on my Masters degree in Human Service and Counseling. Constantly evolving on this Earth, trying to live life to the fullest.
I am a graduate from MTSU in Mass Communications with minors in tennis coaching & art. I am also a certified personal training since 1997, licensed massage therapy since 1999. I had a skydiving accident 9/29/2002, which paralyzed me leaving me with a spinal cord injury at the lower level (L1). I am able to walk but use a wheelchair due to pain. It has slowed me down some but I am still very active in a lot of adaptive sports and volunteering to help wounded warriors and disabled children.
I am hoping to work in the VA system as a vocational rehabilitation counseling. I am a part of the veteran’s organizations such as Center for Citizen Leadership, Paralyzed Veterans of America, Disabled Veterans and Wounded Warriors Alumni. I have a passion to help other Veterans and understand the need to help them through the transitions they are going through.
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