Interpersonal Communication Design: Enlarging My Conversation
Section One: Definition of Enlarging My Conversation
God knows this is something that we all need a little help doing in this life, communicating and listening. Stewart (2008) writes communication involves more than one person getting an idea, sending the message to another, the other receiving the message and formulating ideas from the message. Successful communication involves people’s ability to continuously connect to each other rather than distribution of ideas back and forth.
Consequently, I reassessed my interpersonal communication processes and determined that my new goals were to give an upgrade to my concept of communication and learn to communicate interpersonally by bringing glory to God in this process of change. Carbonnell (2005) wrote “like vital organs, our personalities must be nourished and grow into healthy parts of our lives. Our personalities must be fed the Word of God, good thoughts, wise decisions and healthy feelings” (p. 17). Through the established life style changes of incorporating pray and connecting to God through his Word I will be lead through this process of evolving to another level of communicating and listening.
I will continuously enlarging my conversation as I am persistently growing and heading towards my fundamental goal as a man of God. Petersen (2007) metaphorically compared the listener to a midwife who enlarges the conversation by asking open and clarifying questions. In doing so, the “midwife” ensures the speaker understands and takes possession of the “baby” and comes to realize that they are responsible for birthing their own solutions to the problems or issues through the process of asking questions rather than trying to give solutions to the problem. This has been a problem for me in the past, wanting to come up with solutions rather than just listening.
In the process of searching for my personal identity and self-awareness, there are three existing questions that must be answered: Who am I? Where am I going, and Why? I have set out on a search for the answers to these questions, and I will learn to trust my own gut instincts. If I do not trust how I feel, I will use automatic responses to others based on how I think they want me to act or feel (Stewart, 2008). I need to be aware of what I say to other people and how I say them. Which I have had problems in this area of saying what I feel instantly before thinking about what I am going to say and if it will hurt the other person. Things said about me or others often suggest one’s self-concept, thought patterns, and beliefs (Burley-Allen, 1995).
It is imperative for all people to be conscious of their own communication issues that cause them to be unsympathetic to their own contradictions within communication (Stewart, 2008). As a man of God, I need to be conscious of every action and communication is a reflection of God in my life. As my faith contributes to my personal identity and the way I expand my communications I have a huge responsibility to set an example that is pleasing to God. My values and belief system influence what I do and my daily behaviors (Stewart, 2008). My values will influence my communication with others. God’s agendas should be the number one priority and driving force behind why we do what we do, therefore, we should continually give God the right to break into our lives, our meetings and our agendas and change the direction at any time in order to accomplish His agendas.
If I am going to enlarge my conversation, I need to be aware of my environment. Where am I when I am having a conversation? Who am I having a conversation with, and what are their background, culture and beliefs? These are some of the questions that I need to consider when I am having a conversation with others. This will determine what I think, how I feel, what I say, and how I should respond. Being aware of my environment and knowing the kind of circumstances will make the communication I have with others much easier (Stewart, 2008).
There are four processes that people engage in when interacting with others. These processes include “what the situation is, who the other person is, who I am and what kind of relationship between the self and other is implied, and, finally, why things unfold the way they do” (Stewart, 2008, p. 177). In my interaction with people in what I do I have to be conscious of various things, especially in the disabled community. Being aware and knowledgeable or asking questions help to understand how to communicate effectively with others.
Another part of effective communication, is to be aware of one’s own needs and feelings through self-monitoring as it is to be aware of the verbal and nonverbal needs and feelings of others (Stewart, 2008). Effective listening involves not only tuning into others, but tuning in to ourselves (Burley-Allen, 2005, p. 6). Being in tuned with our own beliefs and understanding that everyone has a different perspective will help us to be open to communicating with other in a non-judgmental way.
Section Two: Background and Behavioral Blend Influences
My background of where I am from and where I have been influences who I am and how I communicate to others. I am very thankful for my belief system in God because it is by faith that influences my communication skills. Through my experiences through life it has molded me into the person I am today. It is through my struggles that I have leaned more on God than on my own ways to get me through rough times in being injured and left with a disability.
My belief system, morals and attitude contribute to my philosophy on life. My philosophy continues to develop throughout life and is never established or over and done with (Stewart, 2008). Through the process of being raised in a Christian family it laid the foundation of my values, beliefs and attitude. Then when I went on to the Army I then was given more strength in my core beliefs of honor and servant hood. My faith in God gave me purpose in this World. Faith also is what keeps us accountable (Stewart, 2008). Even since I have been studying in this class I have grown in various ways to strengthen my purpose and how I may contribute to the big picture that God has intended for me. I know I need to be comfortable and secure in my faith and respect the religious choices and differences of others (Stewart, 2008).
The expression “behavioral blend” is described in the DISC Personality Assessment. There are four types of behavior or temperaments D, I, S, and C that are blended to create a unique personality for every individual. Carbonell (2005) suggests, “just as we identify our blood type and measure our blood pressure, we should also know our personality type and how to control the pressures of everyday life” (p. 17). Using Hippocrates’ Four Temperament model of human behavior as a template, Carbonell (2005) presents four basic personality types that blend together to make up each unique individual, or the DISC personality model: D’s are dominant, directing and decisive; I’s are influence and inspiring; S’s are submissive and sensitive, and C’s are critical, cautious, and competent.
There are two sections to the behavioral blend: what is expected of the person and who the person truly is. I will first cover the first section of the behavioral blend, what is expected blend is a “D” Doer. I tend to feel that people expect me to take charge and make things happen. I have always had the mind set that I can do anything that I set my mind to but it was also learned through the Scripture that I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). I do get a sense that people want me to lead because I show the character of being brave and bold. I do prefer leading by example and I do look up to leaders that do the same, they walk the talk. I do enjoy challenges and I tend to thrive under pressure. I am sure that is why I did so well working in the special operation in the military, under high-risk situations of danger.
I do tend to clash with others that are like me because there is that competition factor and being strong in my beliefs I will stand up for what I feel is right. I have been known to be aggressive and in my younger years I have been one to fight and not be submissive to bullies. It got me into a lot of trouble growing up but I have grown from it.
My strength is my strength; it also has attracted people who can be codependent on me for strength. That has caused me to learn boundaries and express those boundaries. There are times when I don’t want to always be the leader or the strength of the group but I end up doing so any way because of my passion to succeed. I have taken winning to serious in my life in competing in various sports and it has gotten in the way of other responsibilities and relations.
Growing up I did feel that people wanted me to be the tough guy and that I could get things done. I was physically aggressive growing up but learned to manage that through martial arts and respecting others. I was also brought up being mentally strong and emotionally unavailable. So being sensitive has been something I continue to work on as a person. I also struggling letting others win but I have gotten better at compromising. Relating to others and being sensitive is a big goal for me now and has been. I realize it is a challenge that will in the end help me to become a better person.
Who I truly am is a C/S/D or Competent Steady Doer. (Uniquely You, 2008). In end result case, I am referred to as a “D” personality. Out of the four parts of my DISC profile, “D” scored the highest. Positive influences of being a “D” type are that I have a lot of strength and am determined (Carbonell, 2005). I stand out in many good ways, but I don’t seek to be the center of attention. This is not bad, but may hinder my effectiveness. I know I need to work on your friendliness and charisma. People respect that I have strong convictions and are combined with my sensitive spirit. They also respect my competent preparation. Nevertheless, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to exhibit all that I have going for me. I need to be more excited. Whenever possible, I need to take advantage of speaking to large groups so that I can share my dreams, warmth, and wise counsel. I will be able to complete more tasks, comfort even more people, and improve my results even better.
Section Three: Potential Barriers and Their Solutions
Inside my communication, there are evident barriers that limit my effectiveness and could cause misunderstandings (Stewart, 2008). As a Determined Doer, there are many potential barriers that I face on a daily basis. I come across as aggressive and over confident at times and people can be offended by my bold and direct communication. So I will need to tone it down a bit and use listening skills to enable me to expand my communications. I have high expectations for others and myself. I sometimes don’t really know if I work hard because people expect me to, or because I don’t know how to relax or rest at times. These things I have struggled with at some point in my life but through the process of giving my life over to God I have over come a lot of these obstacles.
Listening is an imperative part of the communication process. Communication is a vital part of the human experience and any effort to improve one’s skills is worthwhile. Petersen’s advice and tools used in his book will be useful solutions to most of my problems in listening (2007). In the book he uses a card as a tool to use when communicating. I think this can be used as a reflective tool for dealing with issues and communicating the way we were intended to will also be very helpful.
As I talker I will own my problem and express it without accuse, attack, label or judge will be the goal. When it comes to listening I will have to focus on not taking on the problem and owning it. I will try to provide the safety for the person sharing their problem with me. I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. In my relationship, I will admit my ignorance at times when I don’t completely understand her feelings and I will ask more questions to make her feel understood and that I do want to know her perspective because I do care. I will not try to figure out solutions so much as just listen and understand the feelings that she may have. I do get into trouble in this area because I have often tried to fix the problem rather than just listen and be present with her.
I will also use the method of the double reverse –twist to help me communicate without allowing the other persons flat-brain syndrome from making me flat-brain in the process (Petersen, 2007). I have also added one step that I feel helps me to deal with some one being upset and taking a deep breath to release the steam that can come when people get into heated discussions. This allows me to release pressure in my stomach after I have taken a gulp to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind when some one is trying to argue.
I realize that this is a very important skill, listening. As well as communication and doing it in a respectful manner that allows you to express as well and receive the information the other person has to share. We all need each other and communicating properly will produce great success in our lives if done properly.
I know I need to pay close attention to certain cue words that capture their attention and draw them into the discussion or subject matter. There are basic skills for effective listening. The first skill is simply paying attention. This is the most nonverbal skill; however, it does have some words that are incorporated. It is good to let the other person know that one is listening by occasionally interjecting with brief comments such as, “I see,” or “Uh-huh” (Stewart, 2008).
John Stewart, Karen Zediker and Saskia Witteborn explain two types of listening, empathic listening and dialogic listening (2008, p. 225). Both empathic and dialogic listening allow for the full understanding of the other person. Dialogic listening goes beyond focusing on mainly what the other person is thinking and feeling and helps those involved in conversation to create meaning together (Stewart, 2008). This is the skill and helpful solution to my communication. To develop empathic listening I need to remember that it is important to understand the focusing skills needed and that there is a difference between “spending time and investing time” (2008, p.227).
Section Four: Solutions to Noise Pollution
Burley-Allen (1995) explains external distractions: background noises (traffic, machines, ticking clocks, humming refrigerators, squawking birds, drumming fingers), room temperature, views, scenery, phone calls, gum chewing, wall color, television, radios, entering and exiting the room, note writing and email answering. Internal noise pollution is the things that are going on inside us that distract us from communicating. Those things include mental struggles, personal beliefs, and values, stereotypes, daydreaming, rehearsing what to say next, and identifying with what the talker is saying.
Internal noise pollution that I struggle with is every day thoughts of what I need to be doing rather than being in the present. My mind is constantly going and probably to often I am not paying attention to people and things that are going on in my present situation. When I am in a conversation with a person, I find myself being what Burley-Allen calls “the faker” (Burley-Allen, 1995, p.60). I pretend to listen and be involved in the conversation but in my mind I am miles away on another subject that interests me.
Solutions to the internal and external pollution would be for me to use effective listening skills until they become life style habits. Jim Petersen produced some of the solutions in, The Listening Book, he suggested thirty techniques, but we are to use the ones that best fit our personality and lifestyle Petersen points out that a proper understanding of these relationships goes a long way in the reduction of conflicts.
The stomach is considered the place where the feelings are located. The heart is the area where interaction between people occurs. It is the place given for the give and take of relationships. Finally, the head is the place for logic. Here where we process information from the people and environment. By using the processes of sharing, negotiating, and closing I have a better understanding of how to handle situations better. Through the process of asking questions to collect the information needed and to help fill in the missing pieces to the talker’s story allows me to stay engaged in the conversation and ignore the pollutants that disrupt my thought processes (Petersen, 2007).
Section Five: Personal Plan of Action
Going beyond the skills taught is where I see my biggest challenges but I do have faith that God can help me over come my lack of empathy and increase being genuine and warmth with others. The actions I will take to put the skill I have learned into practice. . I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. I plan on decreasing time spent solving problems, by listening and increase productivity, make fewer mistakes to increase respect, trust and rapport with others (Burley-Allen, 1995).
Using Petersen’s (2007) TLC card will help develop my listening skills. My plan of action simply involves becoming an effective listener and becoming a successful communicator. I need to become an effective listener by avoiding being too critical, trying to find solutions and being judgmental. Being a good listener by being empathetic builds understanding and support between the talker and listener. I will also need to refrain from trying to solve the talker’s problems or doing the thinking for him or her (Burly-Allen, 1995).
Effective listeners listen from the heart and treated and listened to in a special way (Burley-Allen, 1995). I know I need to gradually use the techniques expressed by Burley-Allen and Petersen to become an effective listener and communicator. I should invest time into knowing the listener as much as possible and secure an understanding of message, and encouraging feedback (Burley-Allen, 1995). These actions will help me become an effective listener and enlarge the conversation in my life and others.
Section Six: Overarching Goal
The overarching goal for me is to continue to grow and evolve as a communicator for God’s will by using my talents he has blessed me with to enlarge his kingdom. I will continue to strive to possess unconditional love and give it to others. I will try to not place emphasis on trying to fix the problem alone and rely on God to help me through my process of enlarging my conversation.
I will acknowledge that my personality is “for my benefit and to be a blessing to others” (Cabonnell, 2005, p. 14). I will continue to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses and try to balance them out. Use my strengths to enlarge the conversation. I will try harder to speak in larger groups as I have done in the past promoting adaptive sports to help others to build confidence.
The Holy Spirit divinely gives gifts to each believer for the edification of the church (1 Corinthians 12). When these gifts are manifested, it is a magnificent work of God and all who encounter it are blessed. I will continue to read his Word and pray for guidance in what direction he want me to serve whether it is with adaptive sports, disabled veteran, vocational rehabilitation or speaking to large groups about overcoming obstacles through the faith in the Scripture and in God.
A key principle I need to incorporate into my lifestyle is playing the movie in every area of my life. I have a bad habit of being sarcastic at times without thinking what the results will be in my relationship and it usually creates a negative result. Through the process of me applying the principles in my own life established by Cloud I will be able to share with others how it is helping me to overcome some of my bad habits.
By using hate in a positive way to get rid of evil and fight for what is good, I can be a warrior for Christ and his purpose. Through the process of being humble I can learn more and allow others to open up to me and establish lasting relations that can impact the masses. By upsetting the right people to push them out of their comfort zone and into resolving issues and making themselves and others better even though it may not be comfortable I will be making a difference.
References
Burley-Allen, M. (1995). Listening, the forgotten skill: A self-teaching guide (2nd ed.). New York: John Wiley and Sons, Inc.
Carbonell, M. (2005). Extreme personality makeover: How to develop a winning Christ-like personality to improve your effectiveness! Blue Ridge, GA: Uniquely You
Resources.
Cloud, H. (2004). Nine things you simply must do to succeed in love and life: A psychologist probes the mystery of why some lives really work and others don’t. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers.
Horvath, A. O., & Luborsky, L. (1993). The role of the therapeutic alliance in psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology , 61, 561-573.
Petersen, J. C. (2007). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications.
Sherwood Baptist Church of Albany Georgia, Inc. (2006). Facing the giants [Motion picture]. United States: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, Inc.
Stewart, J. (Ed.). (2008). Bridges not walls. Boston: McGraw-Hill.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2005). Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishers.
Uniquely You. (2008). Uniquely you profile report for Michael Paul. Retrieved on October 19, 2008, from http://www.uniquelyyou.net.
Wilmot, W. (n.d.) Communication spirals, paradoxes, and conundrums. In J. Stewart (Ed.), Bridges not walls (pp. 450-466). New York: McGraw Hill.
Section One: Definition of Enlarging My Conversation
God knows this is something that we all need a little help doing in this life, communicating and listening. Stewart (2008) writes communication involves more than one person getting an idea, sending the message to another, the other receiving the message and formulating ideas from the message. Successful communication involves people’s ability to continuously connect to each other rather than distribution of ideas back and forth.
Consequently, I reassessed my interpersonal communication processes and determined that my new goals were to give an upgrade to my concept of communication and learn to communicate interpersonally by bringing glory to God in this process of change. Carbonnell (2005) wrote “like vital organs, our personalities must be nourished and grow into healthy parts of our lives. Our personalities must be fed the Word of God, good thoughts, wise decisions and healthy feelings” (p. 17). Through the established life style changes of incorporating pray and connecting to God through his Word I will be lead through this process of evolving to another level of communicating and listening.
I will continuously enlarging my conversation as I am persistently growing and heading towards my fundamental goal as a man of God. Petersen (2007) metaphorically compared the listener to a midwife who enlarges the conversation by asking open and clarifying questions. In doing so, the “midwife” ensures the speaker understands and takes possession of the “baby” and comes to realize that they are responsible for birthing their own solutions to the problems or issues through the process of asking questions rather than trying to give solutions to the problem. This has been a problem for me in the past, wanting to come up with solutions rather than just listening.
In the process of searching for my personal identity and self-awareness, there are three existing questions that must be answered: Who am I? Where am I going, and Why? I have set out on a search for the answers to these questions, and I will learn to trust my own gut instincts. If I do not trust how I feel, I will use automatic responses to others based on how I think they want me to act or feel (Stewart, 2008). I need to be aware of what I say to other people and how I say them. Which I have had problems in this area of saying what I feel instantly before thinking about what I am going to say and if it will hurt the other person. Things said about me or others often suggest one’s self-concept, thought patterns, and beliefs (Burley-Allen, 1995).
It is imperative for all people to be conscious of their own communication issues that cause them to be unsympathetic to their own contradictions within communication (Stewart, 2008). As a man of God, I need to be conscious of every action and communication is a reflection of God in my life. As my faith contributes to my personal identity and the way I expand my communications I have a huge responsibility to set an example that is pleasing to God. My values and belief system influence what I do and my daily behaviors (Stewart, 2008). My values will influence my communication with others. God’s agendas should be the number one priority and driving force behind why we do what we do, therefore, we should continually give God the right to break into our lives, our meetings and our agendas and change the direction at any time in order to accomplish His agendas.
If I am going to enlarge my conversation, I need to be aware of my environment. Where am I when I am having a conversation? Who am I having a conversation with, and what are their background, culture and beliefs? These are some of the questions that I need to consider when I am having a conversation with others. This will determine what I think, how I feel, what I say, and how I should respond. Being aware of my environment and knowing the kind of circumstances will make the communication I have with others much easier (Stewart, 2008).
There are four processes that people engage in when interacting with others. These processes include “what the situation is, who the other person is, who I am and what kind of relationship between the self and other is implied, and, finally, why things unfold the way they do” (Stewart, 2008, p. 177). In my interaction with people in what I do I have to be conscious of various things, especially in the disabled community. Being aware and knowledgeable or asking questions help to understand how to communicate effectively with others.
Another part of effective communication, is to be aware of one’s own needs and feelings through self-monitoring as it is to be aware of the verbal and nonverbal needs and feelings of others (Stewart, 2008). Effective listening involves not only tuning into others, but tuning in to ourselves (Burley-Allen, 2005, p. 6). Being in tuned with our own beliefs and understanding that everyone has a different perspective will help us to be open to communicating with other in a non-judgmental way.
Section Two: Background and Behavioral Blend Influences
My background of where I am from and where I have been influences who I am and how I communicate to others. I am very thankful for my belief system in God because it is by faith that influences my communication skills. Through my experiences through life it has molded me into the person I am today. It is through my struggles that I have leaned more on God than on my own ways to get me through rough times in being injured and left with a disability.
My belief system, morals and attitude contribute to my philosophy on life. My philosophy continues to develop throughout life and is never established or over and done with (Stewart, 2008). Through the process of being raised in a Christian family it laid the foundation of my values, beliefs and attitude. Then when I went on to the Army I then was given more strength in my core beliefs of honor and servant hood. My faith in God gave me purpose in this World. Faith also is what keeps us accountable (Stewart, 2008). Even since I have been studying in this class I have grown in various ways to strengthen my purpose and how I may contribute to the big picture that God has intended for me. I know I need to be comfortable and secure in my faith and respect the religious choices and differences of others (Stewart, 2008).
The expression “behavioral blend” is described in the DISC Personality Assessment. There are four types of behavior or temperaments D, I, S, and C that are blended to create a unique personality for every individual. Carbonell (2005) suggests, “just as we identify our blood type and measure our blood pressure, we should also know our personality type and how to control the pressures of everyday life” (p. 17). Using Hippocrates’ Four Temperament model of human behavior as a template, Carbonell (2005) presents four basic personality types that blend together to make up each unique individual, or the DISC personality model: D’s are dominant, directing and decisive; I’s are influence and inspiring; S’s are submissive and sensitive, and C’s are critical, cautious, and competent.
There are two sections to the behavioral blend: what is expected of the person and who the person truly is. I will first cover the first section of the behavioral blend, what is expected blend is a “D” Doer. I tend to feel that people expect me to take charge and make things happen. I have always had the mind set that I can do anything that I set my mind to but it was also learned through the Scripture that I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). I do get a sense that people want me to lead because I show the character of being brave and bold. I do prefer leading by example and I do look up to leaders that do the same, they walk the talk. I do enjoy challenges and I tend to thrive under pressure. I am sure that is why I did so well working in the special operation in the military, under high-risk situations of danger.
I do tend to clash with others that are like me because there is that competition factor and being strong in my beliefs I will stand up for what I feel is right. I have been known to be aggressive and in my younger years I have been one to fight and not be submissive to bullies. It got me into a lot of trouble growing up but I have grown from it.
My strength is my strength; it also has attracted people who can be codependent on me for strength. That has caused me to learn boundaries and express those boundaries. There are times when I don’t want to always be the leader or the strength of the group but I end up doing so any way because of my passion to succeed. I have taken winning to serious in my life in competing in various sports and it has gotten in the way of other responsibilities and relations.
Growing up I did feel that people wanted me to be the tough guy and that I could get things done. I was physically aggressive growing up but learned to manage that through martial arts and respecting others. I was also brought up being mentally strong and emotionally unavailable. So being sensitive has been something I continue to work on as a person. I also struggling letting others win but I have gotten better at compromising. Relating to others and being sensitive is a big goal for me now and has been. I realize it is a challenge that will in the end help me to become a better person.
Who I truly am is a C/S/D or Competent Steady Doer. (Uniquely You, 2008). In end result case, I am referred to as a “D” personality. Out of the four parts of my DISC profile, “D” scored the highest. Positive influences of being a “D” type are that I have a lot of strength and am determined (Carbonell, 2005). I stand out in many good ways, but I don’t seek to be the center of attention. This is not bad, but may hinder my effectiveness. I know I need to work on your friendliness and charisma. People respect that I have strong convictions and are combined with my sensitive spirit. They also respect my competent preparation. Nevertheless, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to exhibit all that I have going for me. I need to be more excited. Whenever possible, I need to take advantage of speaking to large groups so that I can share my dreams, warmth, and wise counsel. I will be able to complete more tasks, comfort even more people, and improve my results even better.
Section Three: Potential Barriers and Their Solutions
Inside my communication, there are evident barriers that limit my effectiveness and could cause misunderstandings (Stewart, 2008). As a Determined Doer, there are many potential barriers that I face on a daily basis. I come across as aggressive and over confident at times and people can be offended by my bold and direct communication. So I will need to tone it down a bit and use listening skills to enable me to expand my communications. I have high expectations for others and myself. I sometimes don’t really know if I work hard because people expect me to, or because I don’t know how to relax or rest at times. These things I have struggled with at some point in my life but through the process of giving my life over to God I have over come a lot of these obstacles.
Listening is an imperative part of the communication process. Communication is a vital part of the human experience and any effort to improve one’s skills is worthwhile. Petersen’s advice and tools used in his book will be useful solutions to most of my problems in listening (2007). In the book he uses a card as a tool to use when communicating. I think this can be used as a reflective tool for dealing with issues and communicating the way we were intended to will also be very helpful.
As I talker I will own my problem and express it without accuse, attack, label or judge will be the goal. When it comes to listening I will have to focus on not taking on the problem and owning it. I will try to provide the safety for the person sharing their problem with me. I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. In my relationship, I will admit my ignorance at times when I don’t completely understand her feelings and I will ask more questions to make her feel understood and that I do want to know her perspective because I do care. I will not try to figure out solutions so much as just listen and understand the feelings that she may have. I do get into trouble in this area because I have often tried to fix the problem rather than just listen and be present with her.
I will also use the method of the double reverse –twist to help me communicate without allowing the other persons flat-brain syndrome from making me flat-brain in the process (Petersen, 2007). I have also added one step that I feel helps me to deal with some one being upset and taking a deep breath to release the steam that can come when people get into heated discussions. This allows me to release pressure in my stomach after I have taken a gulp to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind when some one is trying to argue.
I realize that this is a very important skill, listening. As well as communication and doing it in a respectful manner that allows you to express as well and receive the information the other person has to share. We all need each other and communicating properly will produce great success in our lives if done properly.
I know I need to pay close attention to certain cue words that capture their attention and draw them into the discussion or subject matter. There are basic skills for effective listening. The first skill is simply paying attention. This is the most nonverbal skill; however, it does have some words that are incorporated. It is good to let the other person know that one is listening by occasionally interjecting with brief comments such as, “I see,” or “Uh-huh” (Stewart, 2008).
John Stewart, Karen Zediker and Saskia Witteborn explain two types of listening, empathic listening and dialogic listening (2008, p. 225). Both empathic and dialogic listening allow for the full understanding of the other person. Dialogic listening goes beyond focusing on mainly what the other person is thinking and feeling and helps those involved in conversation to create meaning together (Stewart, 2008). This is the skill and helpful solution to my communication. To develop empathic listening I need to remember that it is important to understand the focusing skills needed and that there is a difference between “spending time and investing time” (2008, p.227).
Section Four: Solutions to Noise Pollution
Burley-Allen (1995) explains external distractions: background noises (traffic, machines, ticking clocks, humming refrigerators, squawking birds, drumming fingers), room temperature, views, scenery, phone calls, gum chewing, wall color, television, radios, entering and exiting the room, note writing and email answering. Internal noise pollution is the things that are going on inside us that distract us from communicating. Those things include mental struggles, personal beliefs, and values, stereotypes, daydreaming, rehearsing what to say next, and identifying with what the talker is saying.
Internal noise pollution that I struggle with is every day thoughts of what I need to be doing rather than being in the present. My mind is constantly going and probably to often I am not paying attention to people and things that are going on in my present situation. When I am in a conversation with a person, I find myself being what Burley-Allen calls “the faker” (Burley-Allen, 1995, p.60). I pretend to listen and be involved in the conversation but in my mind I am miles away on another subject that interests me.
Solutions to the internal and external pollution would be for me to use effective listening skills until they become life style habits. Jim Petersen produced some of the solutions in, The Listening Book, he suggested thirty techniques, but we are to use the ones that best fit our personality and lifestyle Petersen points out that a proper understanding of these relationships goes a long way in the reduction of conflicts.
The stomach is considered the place where the feelings are located. The heart is the area where interaction between people occurs. It is the place given for the give and take of relationships. Finally, the head is the place for logic. Here where we process information from the people and environment. By using the processes of sharing, negotiating, and closing I have a better understanding of how to handle situations better. Through the process of asking questions to collect the information needed and to help fill in the missing pieces to the talker’s story allows me to stay engaged in the conversation and ignore the pollutants that disrupt my thought processes (Petersen, 2007).
Section Five: Personal Plan of Action
Going beyond the skills taught is where I see my biggest challenges but I do have faith that God can help me over come my lack of empathy and increase being genuine and warmth with others. The actions I will take to put the skill I have learned into practice. . I will try to understand and ask questions to clarify what they are saying without agreeing or disagreeing. I will also try not to advise them but be bias and not take sides so they may feel comfortable with me. By listening I will also need to work on not defending them or their opinions or mine. This is a tough process to change but I am aware now what is the proper way of listening and talking and the changing process has already begun.
Through the process of asking questions I will be able to decode the true meaning that people are trying to get across to me. I plan on decreasing time spent solving problems, by listening and increase productivity, make fewer mistakes to increase respect, trust and rapport with others (Burley-Allen, 1995).
Using Petersen’s (2007) TLC card will help develop my listening skills. My plan of action simply involves becoming an effective listener and becoming a successful communicator. I need to become an effective listener by avoiding being too critical, trying to find solutions and being judgmental. Being a good listener by being empathetic builds understanding and support between the talker and listener. I will also need to refrain from trying to solve the talker’s problems or doing the thinking for him or her (Burly-Allen, 1995).
Effective listeners listen from the heart and treated and listened to in a special way (Burley-Allen, 1995). I know I need to gradually use the techniques expressed by Burley-Allen and Petersen to become an effective listener and communicator. I should invest time into knowing the listener as much as possible and secure an understanding of message, and encouraging feedback (Burley-Allen, 1995). These actions will help me become an effective listener and enlarge the conversation in my life and others.
Section Six: Overarching Goal
The overarching goal for me is to continue to grow and evolve as a communicator for God’s will by using my talents he has blessed me with to enlarge his kingdom. I will continue to strive to possess unconditional love and give it to others. I will try to not place emphasis on trying to fix the problem alone and rely on God to help me through my process of enlarging my conversation.
I will acknowledge that my personality is “for my benefit and to be a blessing to others” (Cabonnell, 2005, p. 14). I will continue to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses and try to balance them out. Use my strengths to enlarge the conversation. I will try harder to speak in larger groups as I have done in the past promoting adaptive sports to help others to build confidence.
The Holy Spirit divinely gives gifts to each believer for the edification of the church (1 Corinthians 12). When these gifts are manifested, it is a magnificent work of God and all who encounter it are blessed. I will continue to read his Word and pray for guidance in what direction he want me to serve whether it is with adaptive sports, disabled veteran, vocational rehabilitation or speaking to large groups about overcoming obstacles through the faith in the Scripture and in God.
A key principle I need to incorporate into my lifestyle is playing the movie in every area of my life. I have a bad habit of being sarcastic at times without thinking what the results will be in my relationship and it usually creates a negative result. Through the process of me applying the principles in my own life established by Cloud I will be able to share with others how it is helping me to overcome some of my bad habits.
By using hate in a positive way to get rid of evil and fight for what is good, I can be a warrior for Christ and his purpose. Through the process of being humble I can learn more and allow others to open up to me and establish lasting relations that can impact the masses. By upsetting the right people to push them out of their comfort zone and into resolving issues and making themselves and others better even though it may not be comfortable I will be making a difference.
References
Burley-Allen, M. (1995). Listening, the forgotten skill: A self-teaching guide (2nd ed.). New York: John Wiley and Sons, Inc.
Carbonell, M. (2005). Extreme personality makeover: How to develop a winning Christ-like personality to improve your effectiveness! Blue Ridge, GA: Uniquely You
Resources.
Cloud, H. (2004). Nine things you simply must do to succeed in love and life: A psychologist probes the mystery of why some lives really work and others don’t. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers.
Horvath, A. O., & Luborsky, L. (1993). The role of the therapeutic alliance in psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology , 61, 561-573.
Petersen, J. C. (2007). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications.
Sherwood Baptist Church of Albany Georgia, Inc. (2006). Facing the giants [Motion picture]. United States: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, Inc.
Stewart, J. (Ed.). (2008). Bridges not walls. Boston: McGraw-Hill.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2005). Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishers.
Uniquely You. (2008). Uniquely you profile report for Michael Paul. Retrieved on October 19, 2008, from http://www.uniquelyyou.net.
Wilmot, W. (n.d.) Communication spirals, paradoxes, and conundrums. In J. Stewart (Ed.), Bridges not walls (pp. 450-466). New York: McGraw Hill.
Comments